a little left of center

and its all in how you mix the two, such a powerful potion.

2008-11-04T04:39:01Z

so. update on my life?

well The Odyssey is over. It was a good show. lots of hard work. im proud of myself.

im spending thanksgiving with Nicole. my baby baby! im glad. id rather be with her than go home. savior? perhaps. especially when it comes to cooking dinner and cupcakes. <3 love her always.

mr. "i never make things awkward" update: i was in mcmanus fishbowl after walking all the way from my apartment, when i see him, walk right back out, in order to walk near him and talk to him. we talked. didnt say much. he doesnt like me. i think i may be done with that whole scenario. im wasting my time.

im going home this weekend. mainly to see two people, for one reason. back to my old ways? yes. will i do anything about it at all? absolutely not. my summer ways are calling to me. i cant ignore them.

what else.....halloween was hysterical. nicole and i didnt get down there till prob 1130 or 12. waaay too late but w/e. we got into what used to be Gemini, and is now Andrews Tavern or something to that effect. it was fun. we met her friend there. uhm..... o the bartender was waaay to wasted. he charged me $1 for a soco lime shot, and when i gave him the $20 he gave me a $10, $5, and 5 singles back. then me and nicole each ordered a vodka cranberry. and when he gave them to us he turned and i yelled at nicole "walk away walk away" and we hauled ass to the back of the room. so free vodka cranberries. then at like 2 we tried to get a cab and couldnt bc everyone needed one and i had to pee really badly, to the point that i almost cried. i was 2 seconds away from squatting and peeing on myself. then before i could a garage opened and i ran up to these guys and was like omg can i please use your bathroom. they were like sure. and it turned out they were a bunch of gay men with porsches and bmws in the garage and they gave me a tour of their house in fells. absolutely beautiful. they had a cute dog too. the one guy even left their door unlocked incase it was necessary to go back inside. we had to walk practically to 83 to get a cab but we finally got one and went back to nicoles where i attempted to sober up. and then thats it. good night. stupid mistake talking to strangers but they turned out to be wonderful.

no one hit on me except 40 yr old pervs. gross.

i need something to look foward to. perhaps this weekend =]

the end.

every man in my life is a douchebag

2008-10-12T22:24:30Z

its true. im so sick of guys. really sick of them being stupid cunts. theyre not even being lame, theyre just being plain rude/mean. its hurtful. and theyve been mean to me full force lately. its ridiculous. they dont wana say hi they dont wana hang out. they want no part of me. wtf. i dont understamd why everyone hates me right now.

im getting desperate. every guy i look at is becoming attractive....

the end.

i like the way really cold carbonated drinks burn my throat on the way down

2008-10-12T20:44:50Z

im at the desk, working. im drinking disgusting pepsi purely for its caffeine content. im so tired. last night was just too much to handle.i really need a weekend when there isnt anything to do. i feel really overwhelmed. i have a lot of work to get done and with rehearsal running my life, i feel like i never have time to get any of it done. yet i can find time to drink and do other shit. im falling into that whole i-dont-feel-like-doing-work thing. its the reading im pretty sure. rehearsal just takes up SO much time. its rough.

i think its time to get to the fac. but i dont have any fucking time to go to the fac. i think im just going to have to start waking up early every morning to get my shit together. i really hate feeling like i never have any time.

this caffeine isnt helping.

new idea. fac. every mwf. i need to stop being a fatass. also, new eating habits. the pasta carbs are killing me. i need to get type A personality on myself right now. if i get back into that creepy perfection mode maybe ill be able to get work done and not be a lazy fatass. good deal. the most important thing is sleep. i need to get sleep. if i get a good nights sleep every night ill be ok. like right now im fucking exhausted, i could sleep on this desk. so instead of doing hw and being productive im bsing bc my eyes wont stay open.

on an entirely different note: we have a mouse. i saw him last night the little fucker. i was home alone and on the phone. i glanced up and saw its rear end and tail squeezing behind my desk. idk where it went after that but i got really scared. theryre gross but not only that i just dont like them bc they move fast and can fit anywhere. you see them at the randomest times and you dont expect it so its scary. i hate them. i called kelly and told her to tell the girls. we figured it wasnt a big deal until nicole saw him again this afternoon. its a pretty bad sign when you see a mouse in the middle of the day with 2 other people talking and walking around in the room. gross.

i saw mr. "i never make things awkward" last night at like 4am walking to his apartment with some other guy. all night every guy i saw i jokingly said was him, but his time it actually was. he happened to look up and see me in the window so i said "hi" and waved like a fool. then he said something.. or maybe his friend did. idk what though. it was probably mean. they just kept walking. hes very uninterested.

i had a lot of fun with alec at hippo. i love that hes not a ditcher. it makes my life so much easier knowing i dont need to fend for myself when he gets scooped up by hot guy number 7. laila and her bro showed up later on, a pleasant surprise.

halloween is coming. it smells like fall. i really just want to go to sleep.

p.s. my ipod broke. its shit. the end.

id much rather be eating scrambled eggs...

2008-10-08T13:33:26Z

so, im wrking at the desk 8am-12pm. i have cheez-its. i think thats how u spell it? i wanted to make eggs and pork roll, but i woke up too late, so im left with cheez-its. its a pretty easy day. not much happening. rehearsal tonight as always...cant wait for the weekend. or even thurs night. i need to go out. end of story.

i do not believe that just happened

2008-10-08T03:37:01Z

before i even begin to talk about my drab day, i must relive what just happened....

i was making a pizza in the kitchen and guess who i see outside? mr. "i never make things awkward!" he was there with two othe guys, smoking. i ran into my room to get my phone to call nicole, and told my roommate about it. we both decided she should see him, and we proceeded to the kitchen window where we both stared him down, and all three of them looked up. my roomie immediately hauled ass to the dining room while saying something along the lines of "wow im obvious", and i instinctively ducked to the floor. so i stayed on the kitchen floor for about 30 seconds while replaying in my head how ridiculous this must have looked to mr. "i never make things awkward." so i climb back up and my other roomie comes into the kitchen and the three of us stare at him, and i think he knew it was just odd and chose to not pay attention to us. once they went in i continued with my pizza kicking myself for being an absolute fool. not ten minutes later he came back outside to let some girl in....

why do i always do the worst possible things when hes involved? its like im destined to make myself look like a fool. he probably thinks im ridiculous and immature, which in every case with him, i have been. fail.

my day...

class, rehearsal, panera w. nicole, party city. i got a witches hat and some make up and glow stick shit for my costume. thats it. i decided to go home next thurs only b/c i have to meet with susan early on friday.

my life is going to be crazy stressful within the next few weeks, as the show gets closer to opening. go stage manager, amanda, go!

....maybe mr. "i never make things awkward" will come??
....or maybe not.

grrr.
FAIL.

epic fail.

2008-10-05T17:25:04Z

i made a grammar mistakes in my entries.

i went to paradox last night, it was fun with so many ppl, we needed 3 cabs filled to capacity to get us all there.

im going to get a mani and pedi with nicole now, then dinner with her parents? i think? shes bringing me a bagel when she picks me up which is good b/c im hungry.

...more later

FYI

2008-10-04T19:24:28Z

i seriously need to do homework, seriously.

anything but clothes party yields trash bag tunic?

2008-10-04T15:35:12Z

im not hungover. not entirely anyway. good sign. ive been doing really well with not getting ridiculously hungover. last night was fun. i was a little apprehensive at first namely bc i didnt want to wear and garbage bag and secondly bc i wanted a boy. but nonetheless the party was fun. josh and katie came which was only the best surprise ever. nicole looked really cute in her corset and skirt. alec made this crazy cool outfit that didnt even look like trashbags so props to him. (also a very happy birthday), what else.... everyone overall looked stellar. me and nicole won at beer pong against dave and josh. and omg it felt sooo good. "Whoa, it was never my intention to brag to steal it all away from you now. but God does it feel so good" haha. so yea

baltimore review submissions are killing me. the end.

p.s. i NEED to meet new guys. its just getting to that point.

nicole and i decided what were doing for halloween costumes. were going to be witches and wear corsets with skirts and poofy things under them. so yea... i need to go home at some point to pick up some stuff. i think i might go home fri morning and come back sat morning.

i have a lot of hw.
1. baltimore review submissions + journal entries.
2. english TEST i need to write down my quotes and figure everything out.
3. wrw i need to do.. something obnoxious and time consuming, as always.
4. theology i need to read that long ass confusing article plus the next chapter, whichever one that is...
5. photography i need to run to the store to get my food models.. but i think i should do that monday only bc i dont want anything to start going bad before i even get to use it.
6. wrf more reading about stuff i dont understand. i hate that fucking class.

other stuff:
1. cleaning
2. laundry

i figure since i have work today from 4-8pm i should spend today doing homework, go out tonight with shannon & crew and then tomorrow clean and do laundry. yea that sounds good.

i think ill check my email and go eat something.....

p.s. excited about tonight!!!!

martini bar at canton square

2008-10-03T05:24:07Z

so. i just got home from a martini bar in canton square. good times. i got a pink lemonade martini. it was fabulous. i love little places like that. places with real drinks. places that arent craigs. although i do enjoy craigs once in a while. it was a good bonding time for the roomies and me. i also loved that nicole joined us. my bffaeaeaeaeaeaeae... yes. so good times. its so much fun living here now, in baltimore. the past three yrs ive been at loyola have just sucked. i guess it was because i had some suck ass "friends" it only got better last semester, and now its on the rise. i used to be so bored every weekend and wanting ot go home, but now, well now, its hard for me to find the time to want to go home. there is so much to do here and so many people to have fun with. i cant imagine a better way to socially spend my senior yr in college. i think im being compensated for all the suck ass yrs prior. it was def worth it. im having the time of my life. i survived my dreaded english ppr. everything else just kind of falls into place, nearly effortlessly. ive never had such an easy time trying to have fun. i have a good group of friends. a really good group. people that are so different but all offer so much. i also think ive done a lot of growing up this summer. everything is just falling into place. ive got a great internship, great grades, great friends. i dont want to say things are perfect, but theyre damn close to it. i dont think ive ever been quite this content and fulfilled. im happy. legit happy and thats such an amazing feeling. i like that i still have challenges, namely challenges to myself. im always pushing myself and that drive is such a crucial factor and im so happy i finally have it.

what else what else...

the intership is a little rough only because i see how personal each submission is. hand written addresses. stamped, sealed, mailed. real people. its hard to say no. who am i to judge the work of state univeristy professors, and kids in colleges not too far away? am i qualified for that? ive been apart of this process, on the other side. it can really get your hopes up. sending things in and waiting for extreme periods of time while people sift through piles and piles of work, yours buried under there somewhere, thats difficult at times. i might talk to susan and belz about this. i feel like i havent experienced enough to make these kinds of decisions. i havent read enough, written enough. how would a professor feel if his/her work was being judged for publication by an undergrad? its just unnerving. i feel so small compared to who should be doing this. but i also think, what makes me different than any other undergrad is i love what im doing. i love sharing work i love reading and understanding it. i have the passion, and i see the passion these people have. im willing to take on varied work. i want to learn and i want to get experience. better me than some other college kid drinking beer and eating stale pizza. (though i did eat stale pizza a night or two ago).

i think there is a purpose to me feeling this way. i feel like im going to get something from this. i dont quite understand what yet. but i feel like once i overcome this im going to learn some secret lesson to life.

i need to remember to believe in myself. i dont think i quite see my own potential, and i do have potential. oh, do i have potential.

artsy fartsy poo poo

2008-10-01T15:24:41Z

i need a manicure. no. i need tips. in the past few days ive chewed my nails down to stubs. i was doing really well, keeping them long, but then as soon as this whole monster english ppr came about, i just started gnawing away at them. i need my nails done. and i need to go on a diet. and by diet i mean stomach virus, except not really b/c i actually really dont want that. that would be miserable. i do however want my manicure and pedicure (NICOLE). also, i need to go out. i need to meet guys. i need to be social. i need a boy. i can never find a boy. the best im doing right now is stalking... he needs a code name... ah, yea "mr. i never make things awkward." he said to me once. one of the two time weve spoken. anyway, thats the best im doing. stalking "mr. i never make things awkward." and the worst part? i dont even know why! i dont even know "mr. i never make things awkward," and yet im all about it. ridiculous. i really dont want to turn into a >insert name here< and >insert name here< type deal. that gets so annoying so fast. lets move on i cant dwell on this forever, well i can, but i shouldnt.

moving on, almost. ive been calling lorraine and bitching about "mr. i never make things awkward" because shes been there since the infamous flashing occured, and (now were moving on) she texted me saying she had news. i immediately assumed she was engaged, but shes not. i repeat SHES NOT ENGAGED. dont want to start any rumors. but then she said its more of an invitation for me. it was late and she said she'd tell me tomorrow. that was yesterday. im sooo curious. perhaps shes inviting me to live in her big mansion in the basement with my flask, as we always joke. oh my, it IS a reality. anyway im dying to find out what shes talking about.

lastly, im still at the desk working, and im getting quite irritable. i feel gasy, and i cant stand how these freshmen decide they want to spark up a convo while i swipe their cards. no! none of that! give me your damned card, ill swipe it, then you leave. no hellos, how are yous, thanks, no none of it. just give me the card, i give it back, then you go. i dont want to talk to you, i dont want you in my life, and i dont want to be friends. just go.

i find im less irritable when i bitch about "mr. i never make things awkward." i don't know why im giving him a code name. if he ever reads this he will know its him im talking about, but maybe im doing this to protect his identity from other people, or, just maybe, im too damned scared to type his name. yeah, im going with the latter.

its going to be a long day. up at 7.30a for work. work till 12p, then class 3-4.15p, 4.30p-5.45p, 6.30p-9p. then rehearsal 9p-10p. thats a long day. aside form a long day im so confused as to what homework i have to get done. my brain was dead focused on that paper that now since its due next wed. im all out of sorts. i had ignored everythign else to get it done, but now i dont know what i was ignoring. i cant tell if i have absolutely nothing to do or absolutely everything to do.

lastly, i need a halloween costume.

eating cereal out of tupperware.

2008-10-01T13:36:49Z

im at the desk. working. surprisingly enough waking up at 7.30a wasnt as hard as i had anticipated. this is my first entry. i dont have much to say except that i want to see how everything looks once posted. i think this poll is entertaining. a few people might get it. and yes.... ive attempted each and every one of those. all to the same guy. poor soul. god, i hope he doesnt ever read this.....

View Poll: How to grab a guys attention.

so.... yes. i cant believe that is all i can think about. check please!